Times are changing.

I am getting happier and happier as the days go by.
Things are changing for the better.
And I’m so excited about this direction.

Right now I am sitting outside of a doctor’s office, by a fountain in the sunshine, thinking and writing.

I’m absolutely excited to see how things turn out this time around.
I’m starting over new. I’m fucking stoked.




Filed under Life and love.


(view on flickr – in Portland my morning coffee was generally replaced by Miller High Life)

I’ve come to realize that I am such a creature of habit. No matter where I’m at or what I’m doing I have a sort of routine.

A few months ago in my old relationship there were definitely routines, even though I didn’t realize it at the time. In the morning we would grab a bagel and then head over to Starbucks to get a cup of coffee. The place where we ate them was usually different, but that was still just what we did in the mornings. And usually the night ended with us at a coffee house, sitting and talking with friends until the place closed. Then we would get in bed together in time to watch Family Guy and Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

In some way I feel like those things that I loved to do so much are kind of tainted now… I can’t bring myself to do nearly any of those things that were so normal to me both before and during that relationship without feeling a strange sort of ache in the pit of my stomach. It’s not even a longing feeling, because I don’t miss those people at all. I don’t wish I was still doing the same things with people who are still going to be in the same place for the rest of their lives. Maybe it’s a silly little form of nostalgia that I feel when I do things that coincide with the old. I have some great memories, but now it’s all a part of my past and I don’t miss it one bit.

I would love to be able to get a bagel and a cup of coffee without thinking about the gal that broke my heart. It was all those simple things that I found myself missing the most.

But I was forced out of that routine. I had to get out of it. I had to get over it.

I developed new routines that I made my own.

I make myself a cup of coffee in the morning. I drag myself outside with my coffee, my laptop and a pack of cigarettes and I think and write. My nights are always unpredictable, but I enjoy always having my time in the morning simply for me.

Old habits die hard. I learn this again and again and again. My old routine was hard to break but now that I’ve actually done it? I’m coming to terms with everything. I feel great.

I no longer eat ice cream on Tuesdays, and I’m just fine with that.



Filed under Life and love., Progress.

In Search of Starlight

in search of starlight

So we sat on the beach as strangers, two feet apart.
Two people brought together in the strangest of ways.
Both too scared to make the first move.
When the conversation ran out we turned to the sky in search of starlight
And there was none.
We ended the night with thoughts of opportunities missed.

A week later we returned to the same place.
She kissed me soft and sweet
And for a moment I was lost.
The sky was full of stars,
But I couldn’t bring myself to stare.

I had already found the starlight I looked for that first night.
It was in her all along.
I was just too afraid to look.



Filed under Photo Stories.


Another year gone. I’m another year older.

19 was good to me. I did more growing up then I thought I would ever have. It’s so crazy to even think about where I was at this time in my life just one year ago. So much has changed, and everything is different.

The only thing that was the same? Saying goodbye to Brigid. Only this time we said goodbye as completely different people, filling new, different roles in each other’s lives.

I spent the entire last year of my life trying to make relationships work. Three separate relationships with three people who I loved deeply. I don’t regret any of it. I have so many wonderful memories. I’m so thankful to those people for helping make me who I am today.

And today I’m done looking back. I’m going to keep making progress. I want to move towards growth and growth only.

I’m sitting at the airport in Portland waiting for my plane. I’m terrified to be back in San Diego. I’m absolutely scared to go back and be forced to face the place where I got my heart broken. I spent the last week hiding a thousand miles away, trying to escape the heartache. Now I’ve got to get back to the life I’ve left in shambles. I can’t hide forever.

I’m going home, just a little bit different than I was a week ago. While my head isn’t clear, I did a lot of thinking. I did some growing.

But the biggest change? I entered my twenties.

So long, 19. I gave being a teenager a good run. Now it’s time to get back in business and continue with this new chapter of my life.

And even though I say this every year? This year is gonna be a big one.

My plane is taking off in a half hour. I’m ready to go home.


Filed under Uncategorized

A San Diego Girl’s Thoughts on Portland

a.k.a. Surface observations and generalizations from a typical California girl.

Xelia at Reed

Photo by Brigid (SaylaMarz on flickr)

•It is crazy cold. Everybody will tell you that you got here for the good weather. You will see people wearing shorts and tanktops soaking up the sun yet you will be wearing two hoodies and a scarf and still be freezing.

•Everyone will tell you that you must go to Voodoo Donuts. They will also tell you that you absolutely have to try the bacon maple donut. Do it. It is AMAZING.

•There is moss everywhere. Portland is very, very green. You’ll think it’s gross because in California the closest thing you see to moss is algae and fungus that grows in gross, damp places. You’ll think it’s the same thing but it’s not.

•There are no palm trees. There are a million other trees, however. It’s gorgeous

•If you are anything like me, you will not be stylish in Portland. Everybody wears flared jeans. Fashion is much flowier and earthier. People will look at you like you dress weird. You will stick out like a sore thumb.

•The closest thing to a 711 (at least where I’m staying) is called Plaid Pantry.

•Embrace and love the fact that there is no sales tax. Cigarettes are still just as expensive as in California, though.

•You will not use the Spanish language that is so helpful knowing in Southern California at all.

•There are a hell of a lot of homeless people. They’re nothing like the homeless dudes that you see in Downtown San Diego. And they’re honest. Where you’re from the signs they hold up say things like “Disabled, sick, hungry Vietnam veteran. Need to get back to Ohio. God bless.” Here? Their signs simply say “Need more beer and meth.”

•It’s a good town for walking and riding bikes. Since I can’t ride a bike, I’ve been walking at least ten miles a day. I don’t even feel like I need to go to the gym because I’ve been walking so damn much. When you get back to California you’ll feel guilty driving to McDonalds when you could easily walk there.

•There isn’t that ‘California bitchiness’. People smile and say hello, how are you when you’re walking down the street. They have no motive. People are just nicer.

•There are a lot of stores that sell only clogs and Birkenstocks. However, you may not see a lot of people wearing them. There are also a lot of stores that you will wish we had in California.

•It is septum piercing central up in here. The majority of people I’ve seen have em. Same with the bleach blonde and brown combo for hair.

•There are so many cute dogs. SO many.

•Everybody’s car sounds like it has something wrong with it. That just might be the mechanic in me saying that, though.

•Learn it, love it, embrace being somewhere different. Go home to California feeling totally refreshed. Come back again.

Portland was the perfect place for me to go and try to relax and clear my head. I’m flying home tomorrow. I’ll miss Portland, but I’ve got to get back to my life eventually, as much as I don’t want to. I’m definitely going to be coming back, and hopefully the next time I get back over here it’ll be with my best friend. She’d love it.

But my heart is in San Diego, and as much as I love Portland I’ve gotta go chase after it. I’ll be doing just that as soon as I step off the plane tomorrow.

Also? Tomorrow is my birthday. I’ll be 20.



Filed under Observations.


pink trees

I am currently in Portland, Oregon.

It’s the perfect place to clear my head. I needed out of San Diego, bad.

I kind of love it here. It’s amazingly beautiful. This city kind of suits me.

Not to mention I’m staying with one of my favorite people. It’s nice.



Filed under Uncategorized



I’ve been spending a lot of time doing this lately. I sit at my desk and write and edit photos and stare out the window dreaming of better days.

And I know deep down that the better days will come soon enough.

This morning I took a step backward, but then immediately made even more steps towards this new chapter of my life. And my best friend is going to be right by my side all through it. I’m stoked.

love! I’m ready for today.


Filed under Progress.