Change is good.

One thing that I have learned about myself over the years is that I am very clearly not the best decision maker in the world.

I mean, don’t get me wrong; I know everybody makes mistakes. People are always making mistakes. But lately it’s been brought up to me that I never learn from mine.

I constantly make the same mistakes over and over, and I started to think that I was never going to learn from any of them. I was just going to have to accept myself the way I was. I tried to convince myself: this is who I am; this is who I’m always going to be. I’m always going to be this stupid little girl that plays games and tricks and always gets her way until it all blows up in her face. I would never change, so I would have to be okay with who I was.

But the thing I’ve come to realize is that it’s not that I can’t change. It definitely wasn’t that. The fact of the matter is that I wasn’t ready to change. I liked who I was, I liked the life I was leading. I didn’t want to change who I was.

And then, at the best possible time in my life I met the person that made me want to change. I wanted to change who I was to make myself better for her. But it wasn’t just for her, I wanted to change who I was to be better for myself. So I could become a person that I respected, and that I could be proud of.

All of a sudden I found myself hating the life I was living. I didn’t want to keep living my life for me and me only.

All of a sudden I was no longer the center of my universe, she was. And making her happy made me ecstatic. It completely lit up my life.

Suddenly I found myself having hopes and dreams for the future. All my life I never saw past today. Sure, I had those natural goals: someday I’ll have my own home. Maybe someday I’ll have children. I’m going to go to school for psychology. I’m going to get somewhere with my art.

All of those goals were mine. They were mine and mine only, and didn’t involve anybody else. I found myself making plans with her alongside me, we started making plans together. Suddenly it became we’re going to have a place of our own. We’re going to get a Shih Tzu puppy in August. We’re going to have children someday, and this is how we’re going to raise our kids. We were going to spend the rest of our lives- together in pure bliss.

I had this infinite hope. My newfound optimism was noticable by everyone around me. Nobody could recall ever seeing me so happy and so excited. Everyone saw me changing right before their eyes, I was changing into someone I could love, and they loved me for it. They were proud of who I was becoming.

I found myself so excited. I was making progress in my life, I was moving into the right direction. I never knew I was capable of being so happy.

And then overnight I found myself flying solo. The same person that made me so unbelievably happy made me more depressed than I ever thought was possible. I was a complete wreck for weeks. The same people who saw me at the pinacle of happiness were now trying to pick me up off of the floor, because I was at the lowest of lows. In all the years of knowing me they had never seen me so distraught, I had never sunk so low into depression.

I thought my life was over. I was so in love, and felt so completely full. I had everything I ever wanted, and overnight it was all drained out. All the life had been taken out of me. I turned into an empty shell of the girl who used to be looking forward.

I found myself dealing with the newfound feelings of depression in the worst possible ways. I smoked two packs of cigarettes a day. I drank myself into oblivion. I turned to the worst of my old friends, cocaine. And that old, terrible friend brought me and the razor back together. My body shrank in size. I turned fragile and frail and pale, and the next thing I knew I was fifteen pounds lighter. I was in the darkest pit I had ever been in. As I poured all of these harmful substances into my body I cut into my skin, aching to feel something, to feel anything; I was so numb.

And I watched myself from the outside, from above: I saw this sad, pathetic little girl laying on the floor with wrists that wouldn’t stop bleeding, a stomach full of nothing but vodka and a brain taken over by cocaine. It was the first time I saw the person I used to be years ago in a long, long time. I saw myself back in the pit that once took me so much drive to crawl out of, only this time I had actually hit rock bottom and remained there for weeks.

But in spite of my lack of romantic partner I found myself surrounded with more love than ever. In those weeks I was reminded of one of the most important things in the world. The universe reminded me who my real friends were and who I could really count on.

And those were the people who helped me out of that pit. They saw me at the bottom and didn’t leave me there and wave from the top. They formed a ladder to help me out. They cleaned up and bandaged my bloody arms. No matter how much I begged and claimed I needed it, they wouldn’t help me get my coke fix. If I was drinking they drank with me to make sure I didn’t overdo it, or do something stupid. They went walking and talking with me to help me try to get out the frustration by exercising. They saw me shrinking and made sure I ate. They had me make promises to them, and they didn’t give up on me when I slipped up and broke them. They never left my side, because if they left me alone they were afraid they’d lose me for good. They loved me and comforted me and spent hours talking to me even though all I could do was repeat the same bullshit that was in my head. These amazing, wonderful people never gave up on me.

After spending weeks with a mind plagued with thoughts of suicide, my friends held my hands and helped me pull myself out. And I had never been so thankful.

In spite of everything that had happened to me, as down in the dumps as I was I felt this new sort of rebirth. It was almost as cliche as a phoenix rising from the ashes. In the midst of all the wreckage, as I laid in the middle of the ruins of what used to be my life I was able to get back on my feet with the help of the people I love.

In all my life I had never experienced that type of unconditional love and support from anyone and it was absolutely amazing. The love I felt from my friends reminded me to believe in magic, and to believe in miracles.

This last month has literally been the worst I’ve ever experienced. It was the darkest time in my life. But when I was stuck in the dark, thinking I’d be there forever my friends handed me a flashlight and showed me the way.

I fucked up. I fucked things up with the love of my life simply because of my refusal to change. I made the wrong choices, I made the wrong decisions like I always have. But this time I’m learning. I’ve learned from the mistakes I’ve made, and even though I had to learn them the hard way I’m still incredibly grateful.
I’ve finally picked myself up of the floor. I flipped the light switch to ‘on’ in the darkest of rooms and walked out of there in style.

And now? I’m ready to change, but for myself. I’m ready to be the person that I want to be.

I’m finally ready to live again.

I’m Xelia. I’m living and loving and learning. Welcome to my world.




Filed under Life and love.

20 responses to “Change is good.

  1. Lou

    Wow, you are a really good writer, great first post and look into your life.

  2. Zelie

    I love that you’re writing here. And I’m glad you have such amazing friends, I feel like they’re really necessary in a world like this but not everyone gets to have them.

  3. Megan (merry prankster)

    This is beautiful, thank God for friends, hey? Im so glad that you are starting to love who you are, its got to be one of the hardest things in the world!
    Never be sorry for your mistakes as they make us who we are, sorry for the cliche but I really believe that. Its good to see/read you are doing okay, sounds like you have some amazing friends in your life. I know how easy it is to turn back to drugs….. in fact there are times when I really feel like I NEED it, but I have somebody who helps me realize that feeling will not go away even if I get smacked out.
    Stay Beautiful OX

  4. It is wonderful to have those kind of friends, and I’m envious that you had someone to care for you in the darkest of your moments.

  5. Hey-

    I know we haven’t talked outside of a view Flickr messages, but what you wrote touched me. I’ve been there before, and I’ve forgotten what it feels like to fall into that hole.

    I’m so glad to read that you are doing better, that you feel very loved. I can tell from your photostream that you are. I wish all the best for you. If you ever need any help or anything, I know its not much but if you ever need to vent feel free to message me. I wish the best for you 🙂

  6. Hey Xelia, I’m just a fan of your photostream on Flickr. Since there was a link in the last photo you uploaded, I decided to check out your blog. I was pretty much blown away by your post, I had no idea you were going throught so much but I am certainly happy you are ready to change and start living. I’m just a stranger. Still, I’m glad you are feeling better because you are better than that pathetic girl you just explained. And…I dont even know you, but your post made my day.

    PS: Your photostream rocks…BIG time.

  7. I’ve been where you are more than once. I’m proud of you for opening up and for being ready to change.

  8. Indigo

    Hello Xelia-
    I’ve been an avid follower (lurker maybe?) of your photographs on Flickr for who knows how long anymore. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of this horrible stuff, but I’m so glad you have a wonderful circle of friends that were so dedicated to pulling you out of the dark tunnel into the light. I offer my support, from states away, to let you know that you have love flowing towards you from every point in the universe. You will always be surrounded by love & by kindness & by joy, no matter how black the darkness may seem.

  9. You’re incredibly lucky to have the friends you do. In a lot of cases, when you’re down that low, your friends are there too and they drag you lower. I’ve seen it happen far too many times. I haven’t seen many people come out of that.

    Your writing is amazing. I wish I could be so eloquent, especially talking about something so terrible.

  10. Ren

    Just wanted to add my wee voice to the chorus of support. Thank you for coming back and being the person you’re trying to be. It’s good to know other folks out there are making headway too.

  11. First, your bravery never ceases to amaze me. That you can be so forthright with the world is pretty powerful. You’re bold, and that’s admirable. It’s also wonderful because other young women going through problems and heartbreak can relate to you… and learn and grow with you. I think you’re talented, beautiful, and capable of so much. Keep on keeping on girl.

    Much love,


  12. omg.
    i hate reading, but for some reason when i read a sentence i wanted to read the next one.
    your so lucky to have friends like that, and im glad you got your self up after what happened to you.

    – Stephany

  13. *HUG* Just, well, *HUG*. And thank you for sharing with us. Friends are amazing, aren’t they? You never quite realize how good you have it, until you need it. And the fact that they know when you need them…


  14. Paige

    Wow. You’re an amazing writer. And this brief biography is very touching.

    Have you ever considered being an author? Or just writing a book?

    I think you’d be ace at it.

  15. It’s hard for me to understand everything (i m french….) but it’s so fuckin’ good!

    have a great and long life Xe, I m looking at you on flickr!


  16. i promise im not a stalker =]
    im just a 17 year old girl that found your stream on flickr about a year ago and have been addicted to your fun, light hearted photos ever since.
    ive always somehow found a connection with the photos you take and your descriptions that go along with them.
    and might i add you have a way with words?
    which came to no surprise that your blog completely blew me away.
    you are a very brave, strong individual.
    you tell it up front that life isnt easy. and sometimes people fall off but the goal is to keep on going. im so glad youve surrounded yourself with good friends and a possitive attidude. your definately a role model.
    i hope for the most happinest in your life. keep up the good work. =]


  17. Jolene

    Hello, I’m not a stalker (although I do seem stalker-y by faving nearly all your photographs XD But I guess I’m more of a faver than a commenter)
    I love your writing and your photography. You are really brave and I hope everything will be alright for you =)

  18. Mary

    Hey girl, I´ve been there too… and I can´t believe the person I´ve become after that. Now I can see it clearly, all you have for real and forever is yourself. That´s all you got to love and share for good with others. The day you let youself be human and imperfect, to forgive yourself from your mistakes, the day you realize you deserve to be loved… you will find peace. And I can see you are already finding it. Stay strong… you are a wonderful person, but don´t believe me, believe yourself.

  19. amylouise2

    wonderful xelia , im follow you on flickr too, i saw your blog on one of your photos and i had one to , so i thought i would comment 🙂
    Such wonderful words. you are very brave to open up on a blog about very personal things


    AmyLouise 🙂

  20. I don’t know you, but I’m deffinitely familiar with that feeling of being in the darkest pit, the darkest moment in your life, where you just give up. I also made it through, left it all behind. But it’s good to be reminded what got me here, all that pain made me who I am today. And as strangers as we may be, I never felt so familiar with someone, only by their words. What you write is incredibly inspiring, and overwhelming. A reminder of how as deep the hole may go, you can always get out. After it all, we are only stronger.

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