Working it out.

Lately I’ve been kind of a workout freak. It’s kind of strange because I’ve never actually liked working out, especially not at the gym.

Something about being confined in a musty, stuffy building, using the same machine that someone just dripped sweat all over, while a guy in spandex shorts with veiny, muscled arms as big as my waist stares at my jiggly ass on the Stairmaster just did not appeal to me one bit.

In fact, it still doesn’t appeal to me. But I’ve been going every day.

And yesterday the monthly fees finally became worth it.

It was a rough day. In addition to all the stuff that’s been going on lately, I found out a close family member was dying. I don’t deal with death well, not at all. My head was spinning with terrible thoughts. Everything was just too much.

I needed to clear my head. And it was kind of strange because the first thought in my head wasn’t drugs or alcohol. It was to go running.

I threw on a baggy t-shirt and some shorts, laced up my shoes and hauled ass over to the gym. I pulled into the parking structure way fast, and parked so badly I was taking up two spots. I handed the guy my pass and flew up the stairs to the treadmills, hoping nobody would see that I was on the verge of tears. I put on my headphones, and set my iPod to blast Girl Talk as loud as it could. I got my shit situated so nothing would fall down and fly off and hit someone like last week. And then I ran.

I ran the first mile too fast. My thoughts were racing and so I was I. I was probably running so fast to try to get away from them, but the always caught up. I started thinking about anything and everything as I put one foot in front of the other over and over.

And as I hit mile number two everything clicked. All of the thoughts that I had been trying so hard to get out, to organize and process, to understand. All of a sudden it all made sense.

I felt this tremendous, burdening weight being lifted off my shoulders as the revelations poured in. I stopped the treadmill, turned off my iPod and picked up my cellphone.

“I get it now. I really did love you, and I always will. Thank you for everything. Goodbye.”

And that was it. I walked out of the gym with a big, dumb grin on my face. I got in my car and blasted my favorite songs all the way home and sang off key and smiled at every stranger that looked my way.

I’m starting to find my peace. I’m letting go. Things are going to work out.




Filed under Life and love., Progress.

7 responses to “Working it out.

  1. Shannon

    I’m really glad things are starting to work out for you. You deserve it.
    (Sidenote- i use music too, but mostly just to ignore death, not get through it. And not so much music as Rob Zombie, exclusively. It makes me so I don’t have to feel anything.)

  2. ramona

    i quite enjoy reading your posts and the things you have to say 🙂

  3. ashley

    i so enjoy reading your posts and looking at your flickr page. first off i’m really sorry about your family friend. i’ll pray for the both of you.

    although it really is only a glimpse, just a fraction of your life is exposed, i feel like i can honestly say you deserve this upturn in events. from the understanding i gather off of your photostream, and now this, you certainly aren’t bum. you work hard, for yourself, and it shows. so good for you in your turn-around.

  4. First of all, it cracks me up at the weird comments you get from random people. It’s one of the reasons I keep my blog private!

    Anywho, YOU GO GIRL! Not sure if you follow me on Twitter or read my blog, but I’ve been working out, too, and it really does seem to make all the difference. All those wonderful endorphins! 🙂

    I also have a hard time dealing with death. This weekend was the year anniversary of my Pop’s unexpected death last year, but I got through it. Homage brownies. They were great!

  5. Zelie

    This is amazing. I’m really glad that it seems like everything is going to be okay.

    I really miss my gym membership because running is definitely one of the best things to do when you’re stressed or anything like that.

  6. My latest physical fitness kick… it’s been going on for 2 years now, more or less… has been quite enlightening. I didn’t realize how good I could feel after getting all muscular and stuff.

    Personally, I think you should just accept the essential dorkyness of going to the gym and go to the gym dressed in 80s flashdance style. Maybe rainbow legwarmers? 😀

  7. :)

    i think you are beautiful…who cares about people like that…i think you are amazing…

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